Disability behind Depression

My body has completely shut down. My calves hurt and it’s not painful, it feels there is a steam engine flowing in them. The heat and the flow make my legs so fatigued. My eyes are watering and my mind says I should cry. I want to cry and get this unpleasant feeling out of me, can I cry, No!

My forearms feel heavy. It’s so difficult to lift my body. When I sit, I seem to be falling and have no control over my physical self. I want to get up and work as there is a to-do list, but I can barely put my mind to even get one thing done. When I sit to read, I read slow, super slow, and barely register a word. I can't seem to concentrate. I have been waking up earlier than my usual time and then try to sleep more but I keep waking up. On one end, I am so sleepy that my eyes are shutting down, and on the other end, I am unable to sustain any sleep.

I want to talk about this feeling because it makes me so vulnerable. I think I am disabled but I tell myself that I am not weak. I am not tired but I feel drained. I don’t wish to eat instead I binge eat. It feels like nothing is in my hands and I am losing myself into a deep, dark place maybe, that’s why they call it Depression.

Nothing seems to be right, it seems all is loosening away. I am losing interest step by step from my favorite things to do but you know I still want to do all those things. Things that I love exercising, writing, painting, and reading seem more like chores to me than fun elements. My mood is not just upset, it is depressed. It is dropping as if it had an automatic meter attached to it and the lower it drops, the colder I become. It all seems to be slipping away from me, I seem to be slipping away from myself.

I am trying to tell you, folks, in as many words I know, “I don’t feel well or good today” and it’s not because the day is dull for all of us. So, hey, I am just not having a bad day but I need help. This feeling is intolerable and inexpressible.

I want this feeling to end. I want this helplessness to go away. I want to be the version of myself that was productive and happy. The version who believed I am able.

#Depression #mentalillness #mentalhealth #disability #depressiveattack #majordepressivedisorder #illness #depressedmood #lowmood #depressionisnotsadness

#sadness

नाटक मत कर

Everyone has heard this statement once in their life. It could be simply said for crying. This phrase is more than just asking people to let-go and move-on. It is accusing the other person of pretentious behavior. Imagine saying this to a cancer patient. You wouldn’t because cancer is acceptable. The infected area of the body may not be visible to the naked eye. Yet, cancer is acceptable and without knowing if it causes aches or pains, people accept it. Weeping for a physical ailment is easier than mental illness. Mental illnesses are considered invisible to the naked eye. They lack prominent physical characteristics or we are ignorant about such symptoms.

One of the common physical manifestations for mental illnesses and overwhelming emotions is self-harm. The act of hurting oneself or inflicting pain on oneself. Besides depression and bipolar disorder, there are people with borderline personality disorder and impulse control disorders who engage in deliberate self-harm. Also, it is most commonly seen in students as a romanticized notion to display love.

Family members and friends often see this act as pretentious and dramatic. Our society fails to review self-harm as a psychological concern. It is alarming that school students indulge in self-harming acts. Hurting oneself is not a pretentious act. Weeping is not being dramatic. Instead, not doing anything about it is problematic.

Self-harm is not pretentious, ignoring it, is.

Mental illness is not dramatic, our reaction to it, is.

Self-harm can be an expression of frustration, anger, hurt, disappointment, shame, guilt, and other overwhelming emotions. Deliberate self-harm is a sign, a warning, which is misinterpreted. It is not attention-seeking behavior. Instead, it is attention for help.

A thirteen-year-old teenager will hurt themselves not for attention. Teenage is vulnerable because of the transitions and changes adolescents experience. The idea of self-harm itself is alarming. The problem is not within the child, the problem is within our society. We ignore the act of self-harm by assuming it is attention-seeking. We are jumping to a conclusion without even asking the right question.

“What thought led behind hurting themselves?” – a thought today will turn into an action tomorrow!

Self-hurting must require an intolerable need to inflict pain on oneself. None of us like to be in unpleasant situations. It must be extremely unbearable that it took a self-inflicted injury to lessen the degree of pain.

There are other myths regarding people who self-harm. Imagine your friend is hurting themselves and you tell them you feel threatened by their action. It is important to acknowledge self-harm as a way of coping for some people. It can be a maladaptive method just like smoking. It becomes addictive. Strangely, people think it is part of youth culture to hurt themselves. The problem is not with the youth, the problem is with our society. Just like rape is normalized so is self-harm. It is not a phase, which will be gone naturally. It is an outward expression of emotions. We tell children what not to do, when will the time come to tell them what to do?

We’re so stuck at believing that self-harm equals ending a life, that we totally miss that it could also mean to self-associate. Sometimes people feel their thoughts and feelings are unreal. They feel disconnected from their inner self. There is a disconnection between the mind and the body. Instead of feeling dissociative, they self-associate. Association means a connection between similar things. Similarly, self-association is like re-connecting oneself or a broken sense of self.

Self-harm can lead to accidental suicide. If nothing else, it should be the fear of losing a loved one that we understand self-harm has a psycho-emotional basis.

People self-harm because it is the best-known method to deal with overpowering emotions and issues. Self-harm should be a sign of feeling threatened by stressful situations and intense emotions. By self-harm, people are not threatening you!

#stopbeingdramatic #selfharm #mentalhealth #naatakmatkar #self #mentalillness #attentionseeking #needhelp #needsupport #borderlinepersonalitydisoder #depression #threateningyou #sane #normal #abnormal #actofselfharm #selfinjury #pain #hurt #disappointment

Thank ‘You’ Abuser

Hey Predators!

I’m sure you’re doing well. I’m sure you think you’re doing better than me. I’m pretty sure this society has let you live in peace.

Whenever I’m in a challenging situation, I remind myself it couldn’t get worse than you over my body. I don’t freak out anymore seeing shadows walking behind me. Instead, I tell myself as long as the shadow is not any one of you, I am safe. Walking in the outside world, if someone stares at my body, I stop them there and then. When women tell me to not wear revealing clothes, I confidently walk away. For every argument that you yelled at me, I learned the right way of expressing myself. The account of your slaps is countless with me. The marks of your ego are all over my body. It keeps me in check to love myself. None of those wounds hurt anymore. I’m tolerant of new injuries as your tight grip toughened my bare skin.

You did what I can’t ever do to anyone, hate their appearance and body. Body shaming came so naturally to you. You called girls ugly, dark-skinned, fat, and unlovable. You taught me bullying isn’t a student-driven concept. Instead, what people find missing in themselves, they see them as faults in others. I easily accept my limitations than finding faults in others. To love is to trust but by doubting, you taught me an important lesson. Everyone you meet isn’t inspiring. While some people become role models, others act as warning signs. We learn what shouldn’t be done and you were my warning sign. Your unpredictable moods made me take self-control in regulating my moods.

One of you crossed the boundaries of our relationship but opened my eyes to heartbreaking truth of reality. This society lets you breathe freely. Conversely, they want me to cut off my wings. They still believe men do these things so, I should have been more careful. I wonder what would they tell boys who are assaulted?

This society is a bigger predator than all of you. What you didn’t do was done by this society. It convinced me that I can self-protect myself from you and them. I learned to stand for myself and I am standing against all odds. You deprived me of consenting, and I make sure to ask even before sharing my feelings in front of anyone. Sometimes when I re-experience those moments, it feels like I’m stuck between a victim and a survivor. The terrible times with all of you are gone, this shall pass too!

I would have preferred the education system, my parents, or teachers to familiarize me with concepts of self-reliance, assertiveness, courage, and humanity. Nevertheless, the body you damaged couldn’t hurt my soul. I know, society will always find a reason to save you. They couldn’t save the innocent lives you preyed upon, so they took the easy road, they saved you.

I’m happy that I feel disconnected from this society. It has a place for all of you. I’m glad I don’t fit in; I’m an outlier in a world, which accepts each one of you!

I’m sure you’re as disconnected from this society as I am. For it doesn’t understand any of us. It doesn’t understand that it wasn’t my fault and it surely doesn’t understand that you learned this from them. I’m sorry for the days you were bullied and no one stood by you. I’m extremely sorry for the poor childhood you experienced for lack of attention and deprivation. I’m sorry you’re lonely and only displaying power over someone can make you feel better. You did what you saw and learned. For all those days that your father beat your mother, you understood that women are born to be suppressed. For all the classmates in school and college who cornered you, you realized it was acting powerful that could save you. You took out all your anger on me and I’m glad that our society lets you live freely.

It wasn’t your fault predator. You fell in the trap of a society, which accepts staring, stalking, teasing, molestation, assault, and rape.

Best,

The Insane Mind

#MentalHealth #Abuser #Trauma #Abuse #Survivor #Blog #Mind #Insane #Predators #Society #Rape #Molestation #SexualAbuse #PhysicalAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Support #Victim

#RapeCulture