• Sanjoni

Khud se darr lagne lagaa hai,

Beetien huye kal ko bhool jaane mein

Aane wala kal bhi beet raha hai

Kis ko bulao, kis se do-chaar baat karo

Koi padosi ki baat pe naraaz hai,

Aur koi khud se rutha hua hai,

Main toh sirf ek tamaasha hoon

Aaj tere liye, kal sab ke liye

Mann udaas nahi bechain sa hai,

Aankhein bhari nahi, pareshaan hai,

Dil dhadakta hai par jeene ke liye nahi

Marna bhi ab ek khwaab hai

Yeh akelapan bhi ek saathi hai

Jis se dosti karleta hai

Toh nibhana bhi jaanta hai,

Insaan bhool jaye par yeh parchhai hai

Andheron mein saaf dikhta hai

Din mein yeh chhup jaata hai

Kabhi kabhi lagta hai ki sab ek brahm hai

Lekin phir yaad aajata hai

Jab gam ke nishaan sab taraf ho

Toh insaan andar se sirf toot jaata hai

Ek darr aur bhi lagta hai,

Kya main paagal toh nahi?

Jo aaj mein rehkar bhi

Samay ko ulta ginta hoon!

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Will, I ever become well or like my husband says improve? I’m lost today – there is absolute blankness. When I talk about being blank, I am actually referring to my thoughts. How is it that I am numb to feeling emotions right now when all my brain does is confuse me with thoughts. Let’s be clear – negative thoughts. I’m not able to think about memories that usually never leave my mind. My usual behaviour comes from my brain not letting me rest even for a single minute. It makes me experience depression for brief episodes when I recall instances of my abuse. My mind makes me feel anxious when I believe my brain - telling me that my family and friends are going to leave me. And, I am elated for the time left that I survived another day without breaking down.

What sort of life am I living in? People have real problems like financial issues, job difficulties. Look at me, I am struggling to feel genuinely happy. Today, during my shower I thought to myself – “what if my husband leaves me?” This was certainly not a single thought. It was the start to the chain of thoughts – “will I ever be able to trust anyone?”, “Does anyone love me the way I am?” and “I can’t tell anyone how I feel!”

One minute there are so many thoughts and the next minute – I’m lost. My legs are shaking, and I’m trying hard to hold onto the last thought before my mind goes blank again. I’ve always told everyone how I fear abandonment. It isn’t just physical. No! Not if my husband left our marriage but what if he emotionally distances from me. What if my parents don’t love me? What if I am not good enough for any of my friends?

Isn’t it strange to feel so much and then feel nothing? My world is so black and white in thought – either you love me or you don’t. And then, I oddly feel a rollercoaster of emotions every minute. It is like feeling a different emotion every hour. Life may become static, not my mood!

The heart is beating faster, eyes are watery, and I can only think of expressing myself as lonely. Loneliness isn’t feeling left alone by others. I’m talking about the loneliness where one feels distant from within. When you’re not connected to your own mind and body, you will surely feel lonely on the outside. It is not just people and their absence which makes me feel lonely. My mind is so cluttered and de-cluttering it requires effort during which I experience breakdowns and dramatic display of emotions.

You know what – “I’m really tired of trying to improve. Maybe it’s okay if my husband leaves me and parents don’t love me. I can deal with the abandonment & loneliness. I am okay if I’m not good enough… I’m depressed, anxious, & crazy; just not normal like others”

#mentalhealth #mentalwellbeing #happiness #mentalillness #mentaldisorder #thoughts #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #loneliness

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  • Sanjoni

From obesity to reaching a healthy body, it takes effort to change one’s lifestyle. Living with a mental health condition and living with a person with a mental health condition requires the same – change in lifestyle.

“It feels like I am a burden onto my family. If I wasn’t around, this world would have been a better place today.”

People think she doesn’t know that self-harm is not the best choice. People explain to her that anger is threatening to them. And, people around her think that crying and feeling sorry the next minute is childlike. Here is the thing – mental illness does not have a rule book to behave. People with mental health conditions know that self-harm is a bad thing, their anger is erratic, and feeling emotions unpredictably is stressing.

What does society think by talking about mental health? we are reaching a solution. The answer is no. Live with a person with a mental health condition and you’ll know their families suffer with them. Cutting herself is not a choice, screaming and yelling is painful, and feeling emotional unpredictability is tiring. Before your family and friends tell you that you’re a version which they hate, you should know this– people with a mental health condition hate the version of themselves which is so overwhelming.

It reaches out to their family and friends, so it definitely kills the person living with it. To ask a person who was sexually molested to get over it is not the answer to their mental wellbeing. To push a person to a corner who admits they’re suffering is not the process of correcting their behavior. People with mental health conditions don’t hurt themselves so they can put their loved one’s behind bars. Instead, they’re broken inside to deal with another suffering.

Imagine a child witnessing sexual abuse. The same child grows up to experience physical and emotional abuse. No! people with mental health conditions are not dramatic. They are not trying to abuse others. They are not manipulative. They are people who are trying to make peace with situations of their lives that have shaped them to become this. With a lack of consent in sexual harassment comes immense helplessness. This helplessness turns into anger in every other situation.

She would change her lifestyle and the illness wouldn’t go and that’s when the family doesn’t understand – She wished it was like fat in the body that changes in routine could reduce it to any shape or size she’d love. It’s an illness that the person who has it hates more than you can think.

Believe me – if you saw her the way she saw herself, you’d never want to see her again. She saw herself as the problem… this society could never change!

#mentalhealth #mentalillness #thoughts #suicide #familysupport #problem

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