“Children are not things to be molded but are people to be unfolded”~ Author Jess Lair
What they see as children, they do that as adults. If a child sees violence it may become violent. If a child sees care it may become caring. As an adult, we can evaluate right or wrong behavior, but as children acceptance comes from parents and society.
The boy next door has turned out to become an aggressive adult.
The adult does not require fixing. Instead, let us support the child in him who needs attention.
Parenting does not come with a manual. It comes with a unique mindset. Our attachment with our parents allows us to connect with other people. Look at it this way - the basement is created first when constructing a building. Afterward, other floors are made. The basement is the toughest construct. It holds the building together. Any crack or lose association at this level is consequential. It can cause the structure to fall. Our childhood is just like the basement.
Therapists explore parental neglect as a source of insecure attachment. Society always has sides to take. We understand parental neglect focused on the mother. We either see women as career-oriented or marital discord between parents as a source of child neglect. However, there are other less visible forms of child neglect. For example, leaving behind a two-month-old infant with grandparents for a vacation, asking a boy to man up for crying and, cornering a six-year-old child for being angry.
It is the motherly touch that creates attachment. For every cry when hungry, the infant misses its safety keeper, the mother. It is the touch and smell of the mother that allows infants to feel safe.
Even at six-years, children are still interpreting the world around them with support from elders. Instead of asking the child what makes them angry, leaving them to get over it by themselves is unrealistic. It sends a message to the child that “I am unwanted” Similarly, mocking boys for crying is depriving them to experience all the emotions. Instead, we should tell children that crying is a way to vent emotions. We, as a society, need to change our phrases from “don’t be angry” to “it is okay to feel angry. Learn to express anger”.
It is critical to understand it is not a single episode, which creates such feelings. Now imagine yourself as a young boy who was deprived of food at the time of hunger, was cornered for feeling angry, and witnessed your mother experiencing physical abuse. You grew up believing the world is an unsafe place. To take up different roles in life, you experience the same thought along with other responsibilities. It is like keeping a bag of burden safe when you’re yearning for a safe space within you.
Let’s create unique safe spaces for children than fit them into existing ones!