Will, I ever become well or like my husband says improve? I’m lost today – there is absolute blankness. When I talk about being blank, I am actually referring to my thoughts. How is it that I am numb to feeling emotions right now when all my brain does is confuse me with thoughts. Let’s be clear – negative thoughts. I’m not able to think about memories that usually never leave my mind. My usual behaviour comes from my brain not letting me rest even for a single minute. It makes me experience depression for brief episodes when I recall instances of my abuse. My mind makes me feel anxious when I believe my brain - telling me that my family and friends are going to leave me. And, I am elated for the time left that I survived another day without breaking down.
What sort of life am I living in? People have real problems like financial issues, job difficulties. Look at me, I am struggling to feel genuinely happy. Today, during my shower I thought to myself – “what if my husband leaves me?” This was certainly not a single thought. It was the start to the chain of thoughts – “will I ever be able to trust anyone?”, “Does anyone love me the way I am?” and “I can’t tell anyone how I feel!”
One minute there are so many thoughts and the next minute – I’m lost. My legs are shaking, and I’m trying hard to hold onto the last thought before my mind goes blank again. I’ve always told everyone how I fear abandonment. It isn’t just physical. No! Not if my husband left our marriage but what if he emotionally distances from me. What if my parents don’t love me? What if I am not good enough for any of my friends?
Isn’t it strange to feel so much and then feel nothing? My world is so black and white in thought – either you love me or you don’t. And then, I oddly feel a rollercoaster of emotions every minute. It is like feeling a different emotion every hour. Life may become static, not my mood!
The heart is beating faster, eyes are watery, and I can only think of expressing myself as lonely. Loneliness isn’t feeling left alone by others. I’m talking about the loneliness where one feels distant from within. When you’re not connected to your own mind and body, you will surely feel lonely on the outside. It is not just people and their absence which makes me feel lonely. My mind is so cluttered and de-cluttering it requires effort during which I experience breakdowns and dramatic display of emotions.
You know what – “I’m really tired of trying to improve. Maybe it’s okay if my husband leaves me and parents don’t love me. I can deal with the abandonment & loneliness. I am okay if I’m not good enough… I’m depressed, anxious, & crazy; just not normal like others”