“My mother folded hands to you on our wedding & my father asked you to forgive my mistakes, that’s when I failed.”
The more you allow yourself to be abused, the parts of the brain are conditioned to it. It is similar to tolerance to alcohol. Once addicted, any amount is less. The suffering behind trauma is inexpressible. I feel lost, isolated, and numb. It’s like a rollercoaster – sad one minute, blank the next minute. It’s like I ‘m always on the go. I feel like it’s a curse to be born a woman. If you’re unmarried, there seems to be an invisible chain around you. This chain is a woman’s keep-in-check-boundary.
If I have to go out, I have to ask. If I wear a dress, I have to explain. If I speak up, I have to mellow down my words. I am educated yet I feel tamed. It all comes down to a family and their happiness. My journey holds no truth. Education has no barrier but no one taught me, education does not affect diplomacy.
It is like I have an unsaid rule set by my parents and this society, I can only talk about what is suitable to the men of this country. It is after you’re married, you realize women too belong to patriarchy. I gave up my name, I changed my house, I changed my bed-sheets. It took me years to accept the changed taste of my food, and the new colors of my room. If this wasn’t enough, I changed my best friend from my mother to an empty wall.
I’ m not happy because I’m so confused. We’re propagating for an equal world, we’re still thinking women will adjust to this too!
I am confident in myself but I lack trust in this society. Mostly, anything I say or do is unacceptable. I mean, it is understandable, the society I grew up in accepts rape threats to women, there is room for domestic violence, women are considered responsibilities, one of them has to still look after - either a father or a husband.
I never imagined that womanhood is about being submissive. I want to scream & shout, cry & curse. I haven’t been a version of myself – unable to manage my emotions in the process of pleasing you!
We are born to be abused in every domain. I am trained to cook, clean, and care. But, I am not ready to be cared. Maybe if you look beyond, sex objects don’t have feelings. Unfortunately, I do.
From the word woman comes man, the world still questions, Who?
Every visit that I leave my parents home, I tell myself, one day I’ll walk free, neither a daughter nor a wife, just a woman!