Jul 10, 20202 min
My body has completely shut down. My calves hurt and it’s not painful, it feels there is a steam engine flowing in them. The heat and the flow make my legs so fatigued. My eyes are watering and my mind says I should cry. I want to cry and get this unpleasant feeling out of me, can I cry, No!
My forearms feel heavy. It’s so difficult to lift my body. When I sit, I seem to be falling and have no control over my physical self. I want to get up and work as there is a to-do list, but I can barely put my mind to even get one thing done. When I sit to read, I read slow, super slow, and barely register a word. I can't seem to concentrate. I have been waking up earlier than my usual time and then try to sleep more but I keep waking up. On one end, I am so sleepy that my eyes are shutting down, and on the other end, I am unable to sustain any sleep.
I want to talk about this feeling because it makes me so vulnerable. I think I am disabled but I tell myself that I am not weak. I am not tired but I feel drained. I don’t wish to eat instead I binge eat. It feels like nothing is in my hands and I am losing myself into a deep, dark place maybe, that’s why they call it Depression.
Nothing seems to be right, it seems all is loosening away. I am losing interest step by step from my favorite things to do but you know I still want to do all those things. Things that I love exercising, writing, painting, and reading seem more like chores to me than fun elements. My mood is not just upset, it is depressed. It is dropping as if it had an automatic meter attached to it and the lower it drops, the colder I become. It all seems to be slipping away from me, I seem to be slipping away from myself.
I am trying to tell you, folks, in as many words I know, “I don’t feel well or good today” and it’s not because the day is dull for all of us. So, hey, I am just not having a bad day but I need help. This feeling is intolerable and inexpressible.
I want this feeling to end. I want this helplessness to go away. I want to be the version of myself that was productive and happy. The version who believed I am able.